Confident…Calm… Connected. This is the way I like to feel when I’m in an emotionally intense situation with one of my children. Despite the secret I learned recently: that ALL parents struggle with some aspect of parenting no matter how things appear, it’s still possible to have these positive feelings most of the time. Balancing an approach to parenting that is both kind and firm is difficult, but the idea of Emotionally Intelligent Parenting gives such a refreshing perspective on how to keep that balance.
Aside from my go-to lifeline of serious prayer, applying the skills of emotional intelligence has made such a profound effect on my children and myself. It’s probably what most people would’ve wanted more of growing up: intentional guidance on how to regulate emotions. This isn’t often taught, but it is so vital. Parenting is definitely not a breeze, but I do have hope that I’ll continue to grow as a parent and an individual. This can be your experience too and the more you learn about it, you’ll see why.
In the next few posts, I’ll be sharing what I’ve learned about emotional intelligence in parenting. In this current post, I’ll share what my experience has been and the basics on what emotional intelligence is about. So here’s a story to illustrate the positive effects of this approach.
The Pink Sandal
My husband, two girls, and I were on our way to an event one afternoon and we were almost late. We were headed for the door when my two-year-old yelled out a high pitch shriek in protest. She refused to wear a pair of pink sandals that used to be her favorite. That kind of behavior from a two-year-old, while normal, is also very irritating. So my impulse was to bark out a harsh “STOP that, now!” and force the sandals on. The result of that would be hurt feelings on her end and righteous indignation on mine.
Instead of going with my impulse, I decided to try this “emotion coaching” thing out. That was the name for one of the strategies I had just read about. I took a deep breath, let go of the irritation I was feeling and geared up to begin the process. As my daughter cried uncontrollably about not wanting to wear the sandals, I simply said,
“You really don’t want to wear the sandals do you?”
She looked at me, her face wet with tears, and said, “No!”
I’m thinking, well it’s pretty obvious she doesn’t want to wear the sandals, it seems dumb to say that. I wasn’t sure how this was going to turn out, but I just went with it.
“You just don’t want to wear those sparkly sandals at ALL do you?” I restated again, with a little extra emphasis.
She quieted down, wiped her face and then she did something that was so unexpected. She looked directly into my eyes as calm as could be and said,
“No, mommy.”
Those were her words, but her heart seemed to say,
“Wow, you really understand me…. Thank you.”
At this point in her calm state, it was easy for me to say:
“I understand that you don’t want to wear your shoes right now, but we need to get going. Once you put your shoes on, we’ll head out the door and not miss out on all the fun we’re going to have.”
“Ok, mommy.”
We put on the sandals and we were out the door. She was calm and felt understood. I was composed and felt respected. I empathized, set a limit and that was the end of it.
Now, there is no guarantee that your child will react the same way. Even now, I don’t always get this reaction from my daughter. But, the point is that making your child feel as if they are understood is half the battle in getting them to calm down and work through whatever issue they’re trying to solve. Think about how you feel when you feel understood or heard. It’s a lot easier to work things out and solve a problem. Seeking to understand and practicing empathy is essential in basic communication skills. It works for toddlers, school-aged kids, teens, and yes, even your spouse.
Emotional Intelligence Defined
So what is Emotional Intelligence anyway?
In the the 1990’s, Daniel Goleman, a developmental research from Harvard, popularized the idea of emotional intelligence with his book “Emotional Intelligence” which covered thorough research on the topic. Goleman defines the term based on the following 5 domains. Being emotionally intelligent means to:
- Know your emotions- Be aware of you emotions
- Manage your Emotions- Knowing what to do with them once you’re aware of them
- Motivate yourself towards your goals- Say Good-bye to procrastination
- Recognize emotions in others- Practicing empathy
- Handle Relationships well- Navigating social situations and relationships with others.
In essence, it is “the ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups.”
These domains comprise a big part of what we, as parents want to teach our children so they can be armored to enter into adulthood successfully. Think of someone who is cool, calm, and skillful in handling any emotional situation that comes their way. This is a good example of someone with emotional intelligence.
Here is another definition from Dr. Korrel Kanoy a child developmental specialist who focuses her work on emotional intelligence and child development:
“Emotional Intelligence: A set of skills that helps children identify, appropriately express, and manage their emotions; develop effect relationships, cope with stress; adapt to change, and make good decisions.”
Hard, but not Impossible
This sounds like a high ideal to shoot for and almost impossible given our own challenges in trying to reach this ideal even as adults. But as we dig deeper into this series on parenting with emotional intelligence, you’ll see that it’s not that impossible at all.
A big part of the process of raising emotionally intelligent children is to be emotionally intelligent yourself. It also means to really know your strong and weak points as a parent as well as your temperament and triggers. And lastly, it means to know your unique “parenting style”. In the next post, we’ll discuss the different parenting styles and which type is ideal for raising emotionally intelligent children.
Until then, here are some exercises you can do right now to guide you in applying what we’ve learned thus far.
Think about some experiences where you felt that you were fostering emotional intelligence in your child. What were the conditions present that made those situations possible? What can you do to repeat it?
On the flip side, think of some experiences where you know you were not fostering emotional intelligence in your child. What were the conditions present in that situation that created that dynamic? What can you do to not repeat it?
Do you have any personal experiences you want to share? Comment below, or reach out and contact me. I’d love to hear about it!